It seems I am infested with little insects that are dining on my bones and muscles.
Apparently, they invaded my body from animals or from dirt. They used to eat plants; but because the plants have been genetically modified, the bugs now eat us. I also have a type of worm in my blood vessels. These creatures come in couples — with the female living in the male body. What’s more, I have an overabundance of vitamin C in my kidneys and an inflammation of the sciatic nerve caused by a plasma virus. Plus, my prostate gland is infected by a brown mushroom and my red blood cells are a little too big because of microbacilli released by plants in my office or from eating fruits that weren’t washed properly. I also have a viral infection in my right eye and my muscles don’t work properly because mushrooms have grown roots and tangled the muscle strings.
I guess it’s a wonder that I’m still alive.
I’m not too worried, though. These worms, bacteria, mushrooms and viruses were not revealed by blood tests or CT scans. I was informed of all this nasty action going on inside of me by a clairvoyant/parapsychologist/naturopath who had scanned me from top to bottom with her eyes closed, sensing, as she claimed, “life frequencies.” Needless to say, my problems were “treatable.”
Let me rewind a little here. This little adventure started with an email I received: “In the past those like me,” she wrote, “were called witch, saint, gifted, mutant, freak and more … but I have an extraordinary ability at being able to find elements and microscopic life such as bacteria, viruses, worms, parasites and algae in the human body, the earth’s crust and so on.”
The writer assured me that this was not a hoax and was looking to be tested in exchange for a document attesting to her ability. I was game.
“When looking through a human,” she claimed, “I see chlorine as yellow bubbles, radon as pale blue, accumulation of copper as white.”
These claims really weren’t testable, but we did hit on something with her claim that she could “see” germs in water and was able to distinguish between tap water, bottled water and lake water. We settled on a challenge that involved randomly filling each of 15 glasses with one of these waters. She actually identified eight correctly, short of the 10 that we had agreed would constitute a meaningful result.
I thought we were done with the experiment, but my guest now declared that her main talent actually lay in sensing what was going on inside a body. She was quite willing to demonstrate this ability. Her first words were, “This is for entertainment purposes only,” which was fine with me, as I did think this would be quite entertaining. “There’s a lot of carbon in your system,” she began, “especially in the liver and the blood.” She got that right! All the proteins, fats, carbohydrates and nucleic acids that make up our tissues are organic compounds, meaning their basic structure is composed of carbon atoms. I don’t think, however, that this was what she had in mind.
Next I was told that I have a lot of heavy metals in my lungs, like machinists who solder a lot. I think I soldered once in my life. I must have smoked in the past, she went on, because I have a lot of “old” carbon in my lungs. I have never smoked. She also diagnosed schistosomiasis, an infection with a parasite that she speculated was making my legs itchy. For the record, schistosomiasis is an infection widely seen in Africa and Asia, never in North America. And my legs do not itch.
I was also told that I have a purplish colour in my liver. That’s because, as she put it, “What you eat dyes your body,” and so I “must have been eating beets.” Nope. Can’t remember the last time I ate this vegetable. Then I was informed that the pain in my rib area was from coughing, or from rotating movements, but that I should not worry “because a chiropractor can easily fix that.” I have no such pain, and should I encounter any, my choice of treatment would surely not be a chiro. After scanning me, she did the same with two colleagues of mine, both of whom she found were also filled with mites, insects, “phages” and “microplasm infections.” In one case, she even claimed to see a tumour, specifically in the left testicle.
While performing these scans, my guest also revealed that she had the ability to contact “the other side” and volunteered a demonstration for the three of us. It was amazing! Mostly because virtually nothing rang true! My grandparents, whom she supposedly had contacted, made no mention of the fact they died in Nazi gas chambers, and my father must have been vigorously exercising on the other side because I was told he was a large muscular man. Actually, he was smaller than me. I was also told that the reason I’m constantly searching for my keys is that the mischievous spirit of a girlfriend I left for my wife was hiding them. Nope and nope. No such girlfriend — and I don’t lose my keys.
Up to this point I had been sitting straight-faced without making any comment, since I’m quite familiar with “cold reading,” and the ability of “psychics” to capitalize on any reaction from their subject. But now I suggested we discuss the happenings, and I told her that she had been way off-track.
At this point, my visitor became agitated and asked why we had invited her, if we were just going to waste her time. She had apparently forgot that it was she who had waggled the invitation! In any case, she then muttered something about her failure being the result of my skepticism blocking her abilities, and she walked out in a huff.
We never did get around to treatments, which I suspect were of the herbal variety. Next time, she said, she would seek out a microbiologist with more of an open mind.
Anyone with a scientific background, of course, would recognize the garbled rhetoric we got from her as being off-the-wall claptrap, albeit somewhat entertaining. But I suspect this clairvoyant/naturopath has clients who accept her abilities as more than just fun. And that isn’t funny.